How to be me
The end of a year is always the same, everywhere you look someone is sharing wisdom on the year that has passed, and guidance on the year in waiting. I've done it myself so I'm not pointing any fingers, simply stating a fact.
This can be helpful or overwhelming depending on where you're at and what you're ready to receive. Perhaps it's a reflection of the never-ending journey of self-reflection, awareness and healing we seem to be on – this could just be me and my Instagram algorithms!
I've always been a seeker, looking for answers and insights to understand myself, my life, the challenges and people I encounter. It is both exhilarating and exhausting (more of the latter it seems these days) however I feel compelled to follow this instinct like a moth to a flame.
This year has for many, me included, passed in a flash despite the ups and downs. We moved house, found damp that cost our savings to fix, tried to sue the surveyor who missed that damp, had a burst water mains in our freshly renovated house (running theme here), lost a friend to suicide, had health scares, and gave up rowing (my sanctuary) due to lower back issues.
We also DJ'd in nightclubs and corporate events, I found a studio that feels like home, worked with some amazing clients on their Soul Energy Portraits, had my artwork exhibited and sold by Sotheby's London (still pinch me), ran an Open Studio, was commissioned to create the artwork for a children's book (out next spring), met new friends, spent precious time with my nearest and dearest, repaired a broken relationship, saw more live music, art and culture than I have in years, and that's just the highlights!
It has been feast and famine, full on and unfinished, joyous and sombre, settled and mercurial.
Of all the wisdom I came across this year, the one that pierced my attention was 'how to be me'. I can't remember where I saw this or what it related to - menopause brain or simply the Universe telling me it doesn't matter.
We wear so many hats these days and navigate a world that pulls us in competing directions, that I for one have lost sight of who 'I am' at times. Yes, I'm evolving, however I also feel the more I get to know myself, the less I know who I am, despite a growing confidence in all that I am. Does this resonate?
A good friend recently told me he felt I didn't share enough about my story and the process behind how and why I paint. I can't argue with that and have thought about it a lot since we spoke. I know I struggle to articulate it, I don't want to be judged, I try to appeal to as many people as I can, and I don't want to come across as needy or attention seeking – some good old Gen X traits right there!
I also think as an intuitive and empath I have moulded myself to try to fit in/be accepted and in doing so have lost sight of who I am. I have struggled to own my less appealing character traits, and that has resulted in perfectionism, control and a desire to be accepted. Sharing this makes me feel exposed, however I love when people are honest and share their truth - the good, bad and ugly - as it helps me feel a sense of connection and kinship.
In truth, I paint to understand who I am, which feels so obvious when I write it given my intuitive art workshops and Soul Energy Portraits are all about this. As an intuitive, I find it much easier to know who other people are, and rather frustratingly, it's notoriously difficult to 'read' for yourself due to personal biases, emotional involvement, blind spots and objectivity. Given how adept I am at tuning into other people's stories, it feels counterproductive from a business point of view to come across as anything other than someone who's got her shit together.
The Indian polymath Rabindranath Tagore said, “a teacher cannot truly teach unless he is learning himself” and whilst I am not a teacher, the sentiment rings true. My story as an artist is the uncovering of who I am, and in doing so an invitation to understand who you are. The variety of work I create, from intuitive abstracts to Soul Energy Portraits, cherry blossoms and butterflies, is all part of that exploration. Each painting is visual portal to help us both see the truth of who we are, in that moment and beyond. They help us see what we are capable of and what we are here to become.
All that from a painting?? Yes, but only if you are ready understand 'how to be me'.